Almost daily, I hear about how human beings are social creatures wired for connection. That team and tribe are in our DNA. That community is essential to survival. That relationships are critical for well-being.
But I’ve been thinking a lot about something someone said to me. It went like this:
“This is who we are. And if you’re not this, then I’m not sure you belong here.”
Wait, what about community, connection, teamwork, well-being, survival…? I want to belong, but I’m not that. I’m not that at all, actually. So I have no place here?
Is belonging conditional?
I think the Colony and country club down the street would say so. I know intimately that many of my neighbors believe so. I also know of political parties, social clubs, sports teams, workplaces, churches, synagogues, colleges, universities… that agree. Of course. They all have requirements for who’s in and who’s out.
I’m not sure if I can count the number of times in my life I’ve heard that I might be better suited elsewhere because of how I look, believe, or behave. “If you’re not this, that, and the other,” they say, “you don’t belong.”
OK, so what are the alternatives? Isolation? Conformity?
How many years did I stuff, starve, straighten, and silence myself in order to fit in? How much energy have I expended trying to be someone that I’m not? How much heartache have I endured trying NOT to be seen or heard for who I am? How much time have I wasted trying to cultivate other people’s strengths in myself?
But what about community, connection, teamwork, well-being, survival…?
“Isolation or conformity? I’ll take neither for $500, Bob.”
In the name of belonging, we’ve erected walls and signs and turned so many brothers into enemies—or worse, into ourselves.
“If you’re not with us, you’re against us,” we say. So our clubs, communities, workplaces, teams, social networks, systems, churches, schools, families, and news outlets are vanilla. The people on the inside all look and sound the same.
But the universe is crying out. The trees are weeping; the walls are crumbling; the people are revolting. And Mother Nature has put her foot down.
Although so many contemporary signposts proclaim otherwise, we’re connected. And whether we choose to accept it or not, everything belongs. We’re neither designed nor optimized to look, believe, and behave the same. And contrary to what some may believe, the people around us weren’t put here solely as mirrors to reflect ourselves.
I’m certain there’s another way. It’s marked by a sign that proudly declares that you are welcome. “Please come as you are,” it says, “because you belong.”
Everyone belongs somewhere.
