30 May 2007

bolder loner

So, I did it. Yep, I ran my second Bolder Boulder solo (well, there were 49,999 other folks there too)... and I had a blast.

Monday was a BEAUTIFUL day. The sun was shining, Boulder was buzzing, people were EVERYWHERE and in great spirits, and my family was there at the finish line to cheer me on. It was just FUN! I felt like this was the first race (hee hee, it sounds funny to say that I "raced"). Scratch that. This was the first running event in which I have participated that I thoroughly and completely ENJOYED. I took it all in, I looked around, I said the "hi, hellos" and "how are yous," and had a genuinely good time in the process.

There was no pressure, there was no training, there were no hard feelings when I stopped 5 minutes into the race (running event) to go to the bathroom, and although I don't have the official results yet, I think I even shaved about 5 minutes off of my time from last year!

The Bolder Boulder is GREAT. If you live in Colorado and you've never done it, you must. Heck, I'll do it with you. And if you choose not to, that's cool too - come cheer somebody (me) on!

As for me - partner or no parther - as long as I live here and have one good leg, I'm running this race (yes, RACE!!)

(John Yates, you are not off the hook! I'll meet you in Boulder next Memorial Day!)

psalm 139

I have read it before - countless times in fact as an expecting momma. In my line of work, these words are honey to the soul - the softest, warmest, coziest of blankets to wrap around the little lives growing and forming within.

Yet with no baby in my belly and no mother to encourage, You brought me here this morning. Tenderly, you embraced me - my Father - and held me close. You wrapped your arms of poetry around me. You nourished me and spoke healing words to the tender, wounded and broken places in my spirit.

You are GOD, yet you are for me. You know, You understand, You comprehend. You were before me, You are behind me. You are within me. OH... I don't even know what to do with that, except to cry. Thank you for loving me, Lord - without strings or stipulations or exceptions. Thank you for being here with me.

1 "O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting."

29 May 2007


He had more to say to me this morning.

"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Cor 12:7-10


27 May 2007


"What are the actions you are having trouble incorporating into your life? What attitudes about your identity are contributing to this?"

These are the question I read early this morning that precipitated a long twisted train of thought that ceased at patience
(and the lack thereof) when it comes to parenting my kids. Although I've made so many strides in the last six months, and I am smack-dab in the middle of an amazing season of growth and transformation, almost on a daily basis I feel disappointed or regretful or humbled by some of the ways in which I handle myself with my children.

Why are my weaknesses so great and SO glaring when it comes to parenting my kiddos?

Maybe because we spend SO much time together. Maybe because I'm the mom, and I'm the one that has to be the grown-up and have it all together. Maybe because I am a planner, a perfectionist and the quintessential type A personality. Maybe because someone on Oprah (during the 15 minutes last week when I happened to be watching) said something to the effect that our children - in all their flavor and fury - are reflections of their parents, which means of course, that those little and enormous things that absolutely grate, my children probably learned from me. Maybe because ultimately, I am responsible; I am to steward, shape and shepherd these little lives, and I will be the one to give an account for the condition of their hearts and souls and minds in these pivotal and precious years and the many more to come.

Now, I'm not saying I'm an awful parent. I'm not, and I know it. My children are loved, honored, cherished, respected and most importantly, they know it. But I AM saying, that I could be better - that we could be better. I'm saying that I want more for them. I want to be better.

"Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing, my brethren, these things ought not to be so..." James spoke to me this morning. Indeed.

Paul and I watched this movie last night: Babel. It's been on the brain since it ended. It was unsettling, intriguing, challenging, provocative and one of the best films I've seen in a long time. Although my reality is so far from each of its characters, as a parent - as a human - it resoundingly spoke to my life and experience. Drifting in and out of sleep last night, and again, as I was stirring from it this morning, I pondered the heart - the statement - of this film. What was it that these disparate, yet so brilliantly intertwined individuals shared in common? What was it that resonated so deeply within me? Was it their passion? Their shortcomings? Their desperation for more?

It was a story about "the necessity and impossibility of human communication," someone at Netflix boiled it down so eloquently. The necessity and impossibility of human communication.

Isn't this the truth?

Every fight. Every war. Every divorce. Every estrangement... each a relationship slowly unraveled with the toxic thread of miscommunication. So often we speak in languages that those around us fail to understand. Perhaps we don't even understand. Eventually, we feel angry, disappointed, hurt, misunderstood, frustrated... inept.

I know I am not sufficient to love how I want to love. I am human. I KNOW that HUMAN communication is absolutely necessary, yet utterly impossible. Reality is that in this life, I will hurt and I will be hurt. Jesus Christ himself, said that in this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE, but then he said to take heart and to be of good cheer. He is sufficient. He is God. He is wise and able, and He has overcome the humanness of this world. He is the fruitful, unifying, empowering, impenetrable thread of perfect communication.

So what do I do with that when the reality remains that
I will make mistakes and frankly, sometimes I will make choices as a parent - as a human - that just suck.

This is where He left me this morning...

"Who is wise (or able, or sufficient, or godly) among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic (and human). For where envy and self-seeking (and suckiness) exist, confusion (and miscommunication) and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom (and hope and life and PERFECT communication) that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." ~James 3:13-18

Be true. Be meek. Be pure. Be wise. Be merciful. Make peace.

14 May 2007


It's not that I haven't had anything to say. There has been something to be said every day, actually. There are countless pictures and stories and anecdotes and the most random of thoughts tucked away just waiting to be unleashed. I guess I've been a little preoccupied, a little behind, a little tongue-tied.

The last month... the last six months have been... I'm not really even sure what the word is. SO much has happened. So much has changed. I've grown and been stretched and been challenged and been blessed more than I can articulate. There is a new post in my head on at least one but more like two or three occasions everyday. And now, I'm backed up.

Today, the post in my head was about my Mother's Day. I was going to write about the lovely and simply perfect day I spent with my three favorite people on the planet. For no reason and every reason in particular, it was one of my favorite days that I have lived. All day yesterday, I kept thinking how blessed I am. Much more than usual, I was intensely aware of that truth. I relished in every moment of my day - acutely aware, absolutely thankful. Today was supposed to be the day that I stopped thinking and started typing.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Indiana, a mother, a daughter, a big sister once again has suffered the unthinkable.

One moment, my beautiful friend, Juli who with her family had just begun to come out on the other side of heart break, was making a latte for her little brother. And the next... once again?!?! I don't know how to say it or to wrap my brain around it. I'm sorry, but WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?! This isn't right. It is SO unfair. It is heartbreaking and tragic and surreal and stupid and so difficult to understand, let alone accept...