I've had trouble writing recently, and somewhere along the way, I've picked up a bug.
Just show up to the page, I've been told before. So I’m here. And I’m stuck. Stuffed up. Bogged down. Running slowly. Frozen. Staring at white space and waiting. I am willing, yet the words are slow and stubborn. Agonizingly slow.
The lights are low, my mind is muddled, my head heavy, and it hurts to sit erect. Crumpled Kleenex litters the floor, I ache and my nose is stuffy. I've been moving through this morning like molasses. If given the opportunity, I’d gratefully pull a cap over my eyes, a quilt up to my chin and get back in bed.
But I said I’d be here. So I’m here. The screen freezes.
My computer ponders and processes. A wheel spins around and around and around and around. With neither my prompting nor permission, a new webpage opens. Then another. Then another. I can’t close them quickly enough. I can’t back up. I can’t proceed. I can’t shut down. I’m stuck on this page of popups and warning messages. Of blinking lights and frenetic, flashing text.
I’m trying, but give me a break! It feels impossible to write, when being prodded, pushed back and provoked. Sequential and relentless, pop up messages declare – your computer is unprotected. Your computer is unprotected. YOUR COMPUTER IS UNPROTECTED – OKAY!!
Treat your craft as you might a lover or a friend, I've also been told. I need to blow my nose.
This relationship feels strained. I promised and I’m committed, but my head aches, and these little buggers are bothering me. I feel frustrated and befuddled. A virus has seeped in, and it’s shutting me out. I feel doubt. I feel smothered and stuck, and I’m unsure how to get out of this muddy mess.
Step back? Step Up? Shut down? Get help?
Writing means the world and matters to me. Somehow, someway, I’ll find a way to keep showing up. I have to believe that this too shall pass. There is always a way, and I’ll find it. I’ll sniffle and sneeze and trudge through if I must. And I’ll trust that the view along the way will make the aches and stains worthwhile.
Until next time.