reading, writing and arithmetic

I've been laid up and horizontal for much of the last week. It's sucked.

Sick, stuffed, thoroughly overstimulated and a little down, I've entered into this new year. Not ideal. I'm still recovering from December, I guess. Ah, December, I sigh each year at its commencement and conclusion. What else is there to say?

This past week, I didn't do much. I didn't stand much. That can take its toll on anyone, I suppose. This has been an interesting experience for me, particularly at this renewal time of year. With a stuffy head, sore throat, achy body and low-grade blues, I haven't been in the mood -- for family (ehh), friends (huh-uh), cooking (yuck), cleaning (blech) or much of anything else. Honestly, the only thing I've looked forward to and the primary thing that has kept me going this week -- thinking, considering, laughing, crying -- has been books. Flat on my back this week that I accomplished very little, I finished three good books. 

As I've said before and will likely say again before this year is through: God bless the public library!

A few years back, I started recording the titles and authors of the books I read. I've been keeping these lists every year since then, and for me, this has been unspeakably gratifying. Before the weather got above me last week, it was my intention to record my lists from 2012 and 2013 here on my blog. And three books into a new year, it's time (yay!).

But before I do -- well, here's the thing I've been thinking about since I pulled myself out of bed and decided I was going to blog today: I am a writer who has read 75 books since I started keeping track three years ago; I have written ZERO.

Countless people have encourage me to write, and I do -- a little -- in journals, here, on red paper each December... but when I look at the numbers, I can't shake this sinking feeling that this math doesn't work.  

Herein lies a tricky, sticky little *problem.* I can already tell this is going to be a big (BIG) bag for me to unpack in 2014. I've kept it stuffed in my closet for years and years  -- daunted and overwhelmed by the prospect of finally doing something with all of this sh*t. This bag's got cobwebs and dust all over it and... and I hate cobwebs. 

Tonight, I will joyfully type out my lists and celebrate, recall and delight in the works of others once more. And then tomorrow... well... um... 

I'm terrified.


The books I read and finished in 2012...

1. The Magician's Nephew (C.S. Lewis) -- 1/20 
2. Drive (D. Pink) -- 1/29
3. *Poser* (C. Dederer) -- 3/10
4. The Mastery of Love ( D. Ruiz) -- 3/15
5. A Year of Living Biblically ( A.J. Jacobs) -- 4/2
6. What Alice Forgot (L. Moriarty) --4/12
7. Drop Dead Healthy (A.J. Jacobs) -- 4/20
8. The Horse and His Boy (C.S. Lewis) -- 4/27
9. *Bossypants* (T. Fey) -- 5/5
10. Emily Alone ( S. O'Nan) -- 6/1
11. The Complete Master Cleanse (T. Woloshyn) -- 7/4
12. The Master Cleanser (S. Burroughs) -- 7/10
13. Prince Caspian (C.S. Lewis) -- 7/11
14. Enneagram Transformations (D. Riso) -- 7/24
15. *Bastard out of Carolina* (D. Allison) -- 7/25
16. Map of the World (J. Hamilton)-- 8/21
17. The Girl Who Fell from the Sky (H. Durrow) -- 9/5
18. *Gone Girl* (G. Flynn) -- 9/16
19. You Can Heal Your Life (L. Hay) -- 9/21
20. Flow (M Csikszentmihalyi) -- 10/8
21. Lunch In  Paris (E. Bard) -- 10/20 
22. Shelter Me (J. Fey) -- 11/6
23. The Uncoupling (M. Wolitzer) -- 11/9
24. Joy for Beginners ( E. Bauermeister) --11/20 
25. *The Joy Luck Club* ( A. Tan) -- 12/1
26. *The Artist's Way* (J. Cameron) -- 12/27
27. *Simplicity Parenting* (K.J. Payne) -- 12/28

And the books I read and finished in 2013...

1. The Happiness Project (G. Rubin) -- 1/15
2. Friendkeeping (J. Klam) -- 1/21
3. Happier at Home (G. Rubin) -- 2/9
4. Saving Ruth ( Z. Fishman) -- 2/27
5. Personality ( D. Nettle) -- 3/16
6. *Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake* -- (A. Quindlen) -- 4/4
7. *Where We Belong* ( E. Giffin) --4/11
8. Where'd You Go, Bernadette (M Semple) -- 5/4
9. *The Perks of Being a Wallflower* (S. Chbosky) -- 5/6
10. Gift From the Sea (A.M. Lindbergh) -- 5/7
11. *Proof of Heaven (E. Alexander) -- 5/27
12. Why "A" Students Work for "C" Students (R. Kiyosaki) -- 6/3
13. (ugh) We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves (K. Fowler) -- 6/19
14. *A Million Miles in a Thousand Years* (D. Miller) -- 7/1
15. *The Fault In Our Stars* (J. Green) -- 7/9
16. (ehh) Left Neglected (L. Genova) -- 7/22
17. *The Interestings* (M. Wolitzer) -- 8/1
18. Many Lives, Many Masters (B. Weiss) -- 8/10
19. The Ten-Year Nap (M. Wolitzer) -- 9/3
20. Danny, Champion of the World (R. Dahl) 
21. An Abundance of Katherines (J. Green) -- 9/16
22. Friends Like Us (L. Fox) -- 10/20 
23. *Americanah* (C. Adichie) --11/22
24. The Casual Vacancy (J.K. Rowling) -- 11/27
25. (blech)The Swiss Family Robinson (J.D. Wyss) -- 12/8
26. Mercy (J. Picoult) -- 12/20

The books I started but couldn't get through in 2013...

1. (pfltt!!) The Jane Austen Book Club (K. Fowler) 
2. (ehhh) The Glass Castle (J. Walls) 

and finally (!!!)...

My 2012 Book Of The Year...

And My 2013 Book of the Year...

Until tomorrow...

orange

My brother-in-law was here over the weekend. He comes to the Island and visits us faithfully -- whether we've remembered to invite him or not. 

I've felt a connection to David since I met him over 17 years ago; he was Cole's age back then. These days he's a charming young man treasured by each of us, with his winning smile, genuine interest, willingness to hang, and his uncanny ability to clear out both refrigerator and pantry prior to his departure. I'm often amazed by how seamlessly my brother-in-law fits into the fabric of our foursome. He often leaves me pondering, considering and grinning long after he's gone.  

As much as I adore my brother in law, it's actually not him that I sat down to write about, however. It's the little guy David noticed and remarked about on several occasions while he was here this weekend. 

"Wow, he's gotten a lot bigger, hasn't he?!...That fish hasn't stopped swimming since I got here... I think I want to get a goldfish too..." 

It's Orange. I've been thinking about our fish.

You see, Orange is no ordinary goldfish. He (we think he's a he) is a Fair fish. He swims. He does a little shimmy when we come near his bowl, and he endures. This fish is a remarkable fish. 

In August of 2012, at the tail end of a magical (long) day at the Island Country Fair, Cole persuaded us to make one more stop on our way out. "I want to win a fish," he smiled. Bright eyes, dimples... done. 

For $5, Cole received 20 ping-pong balls. The game was simple: just toss one of said balls into a far away fish bowl full of water. "Sink one, and you're a winner!" the tired guy in a blue shirt explained. Easy enough; both Cole and Maya had done it the year before (and neither of their fishes lived through the weekend). 

But nineteen attempts later, Cole was empty handed. With utter faith, he passed the last ball to his dad. And like the fairy tale ending of the biggest game of the year -- SPLISH and the crowd (Maya, Cole and I) goes WILD!! -- Paul sunk it. He won us a fishy!

I had no idea at the end of that hot summer day that the teeny-tiny goldfish Cole brought home in a plastic bag would still be with us 15 months later. I had no idea how much this little fish would stir my thoughts and make me marvel. And I certainly had no idea that I could fall in love with a Fair fish.  

I shared this with David, and like David does, he listened intently -- as if gushing over a goldfish is perfectly normal. 

"This fish is so awesome," David said. 

"You have no idea," I responded, then I got out my process journal and read... 

9/12/2013. The process, cont'd...

Orange jumped out of his fish tank this morning.

Paul was up early -- while it was still dark -- to go fishing, ironically.

In the dim of the kitchen to get breakfast, he noticed the empty tank and later found Orange motionless on the kitchen floor. ON. THE. KITCHEN. FLOOR.

"Orange jumped out of his tank, and he is no longer with us," Paul came into our bedroom and said. 

Should we flush him? Should we have a ceremony? 

"Will you please just pick him up," I begged. 

So Paul gets a napkin, picks up our dead fish off the floor and drops him back into his bowl. And Orange starts swimming! Slowly. Upside-down at first, then nose to the bottom of the bowl, then all around. 

He suddenly looks too big for his little bowl. 

So this morning, I'm wondering what to make of that -- Jumping out of the home that once fit. Landing with a thud on the ground. Floundering and flopping around in the dark until you can no longer breathe. Then out of no where, someone decides not to discard your limp, lifeless body. Not Yet. He places you back where you began, and then you breathe once more. You swim. 

Clearly it's time for a bigger bowl...

Seven weeks later, our fish keeps swimming. And it appears he has doubled in size since he died. Our fish is living his simple life in a new home that suits him better. He is taking up space, and he is thriving. Sometimes I swear he's smiling (OK, not really, but still). 

How long had he been on the ground, I've wondered more than once. Why were both Paul and I up so early that morning? I'm not sure it matters. 

What matters to me is that I freaking love this fish! He too fits into the fabric of my family flawlessly. I feel encouraged by his presence, his resilience and his simple, happy life. I've learned far more than I ever imagined was possible from a fish my kid won at a fair.

And seven weeks later, while I'm busy processing, pondering, learning from, obsessing about and marveling over the life, death and resurrection of our goldfish, I hear the happy lapping and splashing from the big bowl back behind me, and I can't help smiling. 

smoosh

Oh, and I experienced my first ever mammogram today! 

That was... memorable. 

oh chihuly!

wow.

Wow.

WOW!!

free at last (!!!!)

Tonight -- on this monumental new day, 50 years after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. shared his dream, 150 years post-Emancipation Proclamation and 15 years after I signed a promissory note commiting to repay over $36,000 in undergraduate student loans + interest -- I had the distinct honor... no, pleasure... no PRIVILEGE to submit a $154.41 payment to Aunt Sallie Mae. 

Do you know what this means?!?! 

It means (picture a smile on my face), Loan Balance: $0 

Because it feels SO good to write it, to see it, to hear it, to taste it, to feel it, to consider and to digest it, I think that bears repeating.  

LOAN... BALANCE... ZEROOooooooooohhhhh, oh, oh, oh my goodness!!

thank you...

thank you...

so long... and thank you!!

thirty years

Still sad after saying goodbye to my dad and step mom following our magical weekend together, I received the BEST email from my sister this morning!