Do you remember that Judy Blume book from the third grade: "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." No. Actually, I think it was called "Blubber". Do you remember "Blubber?"
Judy Blume. There is someone I haven't thought about in a LONG time. She was such a pivotal figure in my prepubescence - one of the first to let me in on the enigmatic secrets of becoming a woman. I wonder how Judy Blume is doing... I wonder what Judy Blume is doing... I digress.
So anyway, "Blubber." Honestly I remember very little from that book, other than the obvious. There was this line, however, near its conclusion that came to mind this morning.
"I can see my toes," she said.
After a lifetime of burden - years of carrying around baggage that blinded this little girl to what was behind, beneath, around and within her - finally, she let it go. After searching and working and finally surrendering, she eventually looked down, and for the first time, she saw her toes.
There was a moment this morning, when I felt like she felt. This is a lot to get into. Far more than I intend to disclose at 4:30 in the morning, but the short of the long is that I can see my toes. For years I have been weary - carrying around burdensome baggage, blinded by a figurative (and somewhat literal) belly of extra weight. Even in the years when the scale read what I wanted, I was lost and unable to find pieces of myself. Somewhere down deep, I was crying out, "Are you there God? It's me, Abi."
Today - this morning - I can see my toes.
I feel free. I feel light. I feel joyful and peaceful and thankful and blessed. Lies that have bound me for years are unraveling. Boulders of mistruth and deception and isolation that once pinned me to the floor have rolled away.
"Come to me," He has gently enticed year after year, pound after pound, "and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light..."
This morning I looked up, then down. I looked within and around and realized that He is here, that I am free and for the first time... ever... I can see my toes.