10 May 2009

on mother's day

I went to bed weary and burdened last night - bearing the stress and disappointments of the week, trying to let go, while still holding on. My stomach hurt. They didn't call. We didn't get an offer. I didn't say goodnight.

I was dazed and confused when I woke up this morning. It was 3:50 a.m. Paul was breathing heavily beside me, Cole was staring me down in the dark, and he was saying something. Eventually he came into focus.

"Mommy, I had an accident."

Perhaps if I laid still long enough, he would make his way over to the other side of the bed. He didn't. I'm not sure how long I laid there before I eventually stood up. Once I did, I was annoyed.

Happy Mother's Day.

Anxious, vexed and busy thoughts assailed my mind as I washed my face, brushed my teeth and suited up an hour-and-a-half earlier than I had planned. It was dark, quiet, cold and clammy out. I breathed deep breaths trying to find peace in my pace, to quiet my mind and to enjoy the run. Mostly, I felt anxious and annoyed. Fast, squatty rabbits darted across the dark trail, and I encountered two coyotes. For 108 minutes, I was on edge.

I was greeted with a hearty "Happy Mother's Day" when I returned home and opened the front door. It was sweet, and my heart sailed. Almost immediately, however, the barrage of questions followed. Would you like to open your cards? Can we have breakfast? What's for breakfast? Can we reinstate the rule that we don't go to bed without saying goodnight? Momma, can we have wraps for lunch? Mommy, will you heat my rice pillow? What's the plan for today? What do you want for mother's day?

And so went today. I've been wallowing, cranky and annoyed ever since - silently wondering if I am the only mother alive who just wants to be left alone for Mother's Day.

I didn't always feel this way. I think I started to dislike this "holiday" only once I became a mother. That was the point at which expectation settled in. It was no longer just about my mother, but it also became about me. This year in particular, it was mostly about me.

What's the plan for today? What do I want for mother's day? For starters, I don't want to have to answer this question. As a matter of fact, I don't want to answer any questions. But since you asked...

I want a massage, a pedicure and a manicure for Mother's Day.
I want a week at a she-she spa/silent retreat for Mother's Day.
I want someone else to think about breakfast (and lunch and dinner) for Mother's Day.
I want an uninterrupted nap for Mother's Day.
I want someone else to wash the urine-soaked sheets on top of my washer for Mother's Day.
I want my house to go into contract tomorrow (interested?), and I want our move to be swift and sweet for Mother's Day.
I want respite from menstruation, with all of the rewards and none of the embarrassment or side effects (i.e. pregnancy) for Mother's Day.
I want my bike and I want it now for Mother's Day.
I want blue skies and sunshine for Mother's Day.
I want a clean kitchen and $25,000 for Mother's Day.
I want everyone I love to live in the same town for Mother's Day.
I want patience, peace of mind, self control, inside voices and a cup of hot tea for Mother's Day.
I want to bid tantrums, bad days, binges and chin hairs an eternal adieu for Mother's Day.
I want to be over myself and celebrating other moms for Mother's Day.
I want a good mood... and world peace for Mother's Day.

With all my pissy himming, hah-ing and carrying on today, I didn't open my gifts until a few minutes ago. Just before my kiddos went to bed, they proudly presented me with:

1. Two crayon-colored cards with rainbows, flowers and my favorite: kid-print.

2. Cole's paint-stained hand prints - one red, one blue - and a poem on a page:

"...Mothers are for loving when you snuggle up tight. Mothers are for kissing you a sweet good night."

3. "About Me and My Mom" from Maya:

What is your mom's name? Abi
What is your name? Maya
How old is your mom? 22
How old are you? 5
What is your mom's favorite thing to do? Write.
What is your favorite thing to do? Color
What is your mom's favorite food? Oatmeal.
What is your favorite food? Hot Dogs.
What makes your mom smile? When I help her clean the house.
What makes you smile? Playing with my brother.

At the base of the page, she colored a picture of the two of us standing side by side.

And now my kiddos have retired for the night, Paul is downstairs, my house is definitely quiet and it is relatively clean. I am finally alone, save my laptop, my gifts and my thoughts, and I can't help but to think about how differently today may have gone if I had opened my heart and my gifts this morning.

What's the plan for today? What do I want for mother's day? Mostly, I just want a do-over for Mother's Day... OK, and world peace.


Joya said...

My favorite- How old is your Mom? 22. How sweet :)

Lauren said...

i love you, sweet friend!

Leah said...

It's ok to have rough days. Especially on Mothers day. Moms have to do so much. I am only realizing this now, in my "adult" life.
I love you Abi.